Friday, April 09, 2004
The Hermit
I doubt many of you are still with me after these long months of silence. But that's okay. I'm here mostly for myself right now.
I think I temporarily lost sight of everything--not being able to tell the forest from the trees--in my confusion and aimless musings. I think, most importantly, that in my search for truth and reality I forgot that its not fair to be so demanding on myself. I expect too much of myself and nothing of others.
I know that's confusing. I also realize that I have some serious psychological problems as well as abandonment issues. Further, I need to learn how to deal with being myself--or rather, being human--and that as imperfect as I am I can still achieve with what I have inside.
Fear of failure, so don't try.
Fear of success, so don't try.
Fear of others, so keep everyone at arms length.
Fear of self, so avoid living in the real world.
I can't tell you everything that's in my head right now. I know I should be doing something. I know I am wasting my life. I can feel the prime of it all just slipping away. I don't have a plan. I don't see tomorrow. It's all been reduced to the now. I wish I could make some sense out of it all but from my perspective there's too much to even start. Life is so complicated yet so simple. Why, oh why, do I always make things so damn difficult for everyone and myself?
I've been searching for the answers in everything: Gnosis. Islam. Christianity. I can't find anything concrete. Or, more likely, I don't want to accept the answers I find.
What does it mean for you? Probably more of the same. I apologize, sincerely, for being this way. I am probably the most obstinate s.o.b. you'll ever have a chance to meet. That doesn't make me very proud or happy. Believe me, if I could just say the magic words I would. I'd wipe away all my mistakes and follow the path of righteousness to its conclusion. But I can't.
I want to be normal more than anything else in the world. I want to be like everyone else you know with a life of happiness, joy, pain, as well as sorrow. But that's not very likely at this late stage in the game.
I'm rambling now, losing the thoughts that seemed oh, so important just a half-hour ago.
Anyway, have a happy moment wherever you are.
I think I temporarily lost sight of everything--not being able to tell the forest from the trees--in my confusion and aimless musings. I think, most importantly, that in my search for truth and reality I forgot that its not fair to be so demanding on myself. I expect too much of myself and nothing of others.
I know that's confusing. I also realize that I have some serious psychological problems as well as abandonment issues. Further, I need to learn how to deal with being myself--or rather, being human--and that as imperfect as I am I can still achieve with what I have inside.
Fear of failure, so don't try.
Fear of success, so don't try.
Fear of others, so keep everyone at arms length.
Fear of self, so avoid living in the real world.
I can't tell you everything that's in my head right now. I know I should be doing something. I know I am wasting my life. I can feel the prime of it all just slipping away. I don't have a plan. I don't see tomorrow. It's all been reduced to the now. I wish I could make some sense out of it all but from my perspective there's too much to even start. Life is so complicated yet so simple. Why, oh why, do I always make things so damn difficult for everyone and myself?
I've been searching for the answers in everything: Gnosis. Islam. Christianity. I can't find anything concrete. Or, more likely, I don't want to accept the answers I find.
What does it mean for you? Probably more of the same. I apologize, sincerely, for being this way. I am probably the most obstinate s.o.b. you'll ever have a chance to meet. That doesn't make me very proud or happy. Believe me, if I could just say the magic words I would. I'd wipe away all my mistakes and follow the path of righteousness to its conclusion. But I can't.
I want to be normal more than anything else in the world. I want to be like everyone else you know with a life of happiness, joy, pain, as well as sorrow. But that's not very likely at this late stage in the game.
I'm rambling now, losing the thoughts that seemed oh, so important just a half-hour ago.
Anyway, have a happy moment wherever you are.
